In which most of the party goes furry, and I get my own Sorel to play with

One benefit of a day off is that I found the stable door in the east wall, mostly overgrown by brush. We cleared it away and had another access point. Before we can open the door we hear what sounds like a fight coming from within, along with the screams of horses. We charge in to find a unicorn and a nightmare locked in combat. We were used to things being not what they seemed in the manor, so we watched for a few moments. Then, however, Qual, Ev, and Alaindra began to change. They grew and their bodies elongated, and before two seconds had passed all three of them had become unicorns. Sorel and I just stand there stupidly and watch as the four unicorns proceed to completely gore the nightmare to death. Its body instantly burned to ash a second after its chest stopped heaving. Gradually, the drawrf and the two amazons morphed back into their usual forms, but the girls were in completely different armor. Now they wore golden plate that was perfectly molded to their bodies (down to their immense bosoms). Atop their shining helms was a unicorn horn on each. Turns out that because they were virgins (ha!) they were rewarded by the gift of lycanthropy, only now they were were-unicorns. They seemed pretty pleased with this. Aleandra whispered something in Ev’s ear and they both started grinning wickedly. I don’t want to think about it. Qual was pretty bummed about things by this point. From his point of view, if he’s going to get changed into a horse, he should at least get something cool out of it. I told him to be patient. He’s going to wind up a bimbo sooner or later. He laughed, but he looked a little worried, too.

Ev and Aleandra seemed to think it was great fun “playing unicorn” with each other. One would transform and give the other a ride, and then later they would switch. Since one wound up carrying both bow and poleaxe, it was growing increasingly difficult to tell them apart. I mean, if I were turned into an exact copy of someone, I would do whatever it took to keep my individual identity—tattoos, a haircut, new clothes, whatever. But Aleandra has been training with a bow and Ev has been sparring with the poleaxe. They always dress alike. It’s as if they want to forge a single identity between them. On the plus side, they seem to have an almost psychic link in battle, and the two of them are far more lethal together than they would be separately. On the down side, Ev has started to cop Aleandra’s belligerent attitude towards anything with a penis. And those are increasingly hard to find in our party, so I take the brunt of it.

Our path took us north through the carriage house, where a ghostly procession stormed past us. These apparitions are horrible for my nerves. I get all ready for a fight, only to have the threat disappear. It’s almost as if the house is mocking us.

We found some stairs going up. We seemed to think it was important to clear the upper levels before everything else, so we decided to explore above. We entered a dining room that had a mummy in the middle of cooking something in a pot. He ignored us for a while while he finished his stew. Then he tried to drink it. That’s when we decided to attack (see what I mean about this place getting to you? It’s next to impossible to know when an encounter is dangerous and when it’s just a bizarre event). Ev and I took a beating, but we avoided contracting mummy rot, so I score it a victory.

The next room had one of those freaky apparitions, a ghostly woman who accused us of killing her son. Nothing lootworthy. The next room, though, was some kind of prison where a half-man, half-bear was chained to the wall, dying before our eyes. Suddenly the chains in the room sprang to life (and there were a lot of chains in the room. They were too slow to grab the Amazons, Sorel, or me, but they grabbed Qual and lashed him to the wall. The chains put a bear-shaped helmet on his head. We cut him down before they could do further damage, or so we thought. Qual took of the helm and smashed it to bits. It should have occurred to us at the time that this was an unusual display of temper for the Dwarf.

We found stairs going up, but it was immediately apparent that a secret door concealed half the level from our sight. Even without Ev’s elven eyes, we found it without too much trouble. There was a library, full of magical books. Sorel, to her credit, did not rush inside. There was a stuffed sabre-toothed tiger in the room which *surprise!* came to life just as we decided to hack it to pieces in order to prevent it from coming to life. As usual, it was a straight up fight, and that brought out the best in us. We all knew our roles and set to work…and then Qual turned into a bear. In a way, I guess he got his wish to turn into something cool. But unlike the girls, who seemed to keep control of their wits when they became unicorns, Qual just went completely berserk when he transformed. He ripped the tiger apart (after I had already done a lot of damage, mind you). Then he turned on me and nearly mauled me to death before we could calm him down again. We were both freaked out by that little episode. Qual wanted to rid himself of that curse, while I saw certain advantages in his condition, if only he could control it.

Beyond the library lay an artist’s studio, a room I wish I had never visited. There was a huge lump of clay, roughly human sized and shaped but without features on one side of the room, while on the other, a skeleton appeared to be painting a portrait of it. It threw a canvas over its work before we could see it. Naturally we tried to smash the skeleton, but it kept reforming and trying to shoo us out. I took the canvas off the painting, and the skeleton crumbled to dust.

That’s when things got weird. The clay thing animated and picked up the palette and brushes and gave them to me. Then it blocked the door until I started to paint. I was at a loss as to what to do, until I saw Sorel. The light coming through the window made Sorel look sexy and angelic at the same time. Inspired, I started to sketch her form. Somehow, the brush knew what to do. I’m no artist, but each stroke of the brush made the painting into an exact likeness of Sorel, almost as if I were looking at a reflection of her in the mirror. She seemed happy to pose for me, but the others were on guard in case any threat should materialize. Then, in less than ten minutes, I was done. No painter had ever captured such loveliness with such precision. I turned the portrait around so that Sorel could see it, and that’s when the clay thing changed until it became an exact duplicate of Sorel, wings and all.

Well, Qual wants to cut it in half right off the bat. It panics and runs behind me, seeking protection. That’s when Sorel gets pissed off and wants to kill it also. But it doesn’t do anything to threaten us. Instead, it seems perfectly happy to follow me around, smiling at me with Sorel’s angelic face if I so much as look at her. So, over the objections of Qual and Sorel, we decide to allow her to tag along. After all, we decide, she might be important later. And the Second Sorel seemed perfectly content to carry things for us, though she apparently knew none of Sorel’s magic and she seemed incapable of speech.

Aleandra said something like “Well, Quinn, at least you have a Sorel who will play with you now.” Sorel got unbelievably pissed at that, and from where I sat, it was a pretty rude thing to say, and I said so. We decided to call the fake Sorel something else and cut her hair, to keep them distinct. So fake Sorel became “Golem,” and it was a shame to lose that sexy long blonde hair, but I figure it was for the best.

In which a member of our party transforms into a total babe. Again.

Well, I’m no longer a tiger. I had one more night with the wench (named Hazel, if you’re interested), and she started to make plans about the two of us running off to the City-State or some nonsense. Well, we had plans to go see the priestess the next day, so that pretty much settled it for me.

We had to sit through some long, boring sermon about the White Lady before the priestess would cure us. We nodded along and smiled, and by lunchtime, the damage from the wights was gone, Ev was no longer a walking leper, and I had my beautiful face back. We were also out one precious idol, which paid for all that benevolence. On the whole, our take was pretty weak. Split five ways, I was beginning to doubt our ability to do serious renovations.

We took a day off to rest and regroup, and on the next day we arrived bright and early at the manor. Then we went straight for the front door this time. The foyer was nice, but apart from some more animated portraits, there was not too much of interest. We headed east, right into the…torture chamber. Classy. Sorel started making some suggestive jokes, and I swear both of the amazons were flirting with him. Qual and I rolled our eyes, but then suddenly, some chains in the center of the room animated and grabbed the girls (yeah, I think of Ev as a girl now) and tried to drag them into a pit. Qual cut through them with an axe, and I used my tools to break through some of the other links. That seemed to quiet the chains, but we were in a hurry to get out of there.

We were in another twisty part of the manor, where rooms and corridors seemed to appear with no logical sense. We found a bedroom with all the accoutrements of a knight, including the suit of armor. Turns out there was a skeleton inside who loved to shout insults at us, but because the armor was rusted in place, he could not move. Here is a sample of his craft:

Qual: “You half-sized hairy melon!”

Aleandra: “You beaver-eating poison-spewing harridan!”

Evrian: “You drag queen!” (how did he know?)

Sorel: “You perverted powdered unman!”

Yeah, it said stuff about me, but since I’m writing this journal, you don’t get to hear anything about it.

The next room was set up with a tea service. There was a black pudding slopping around in there, too. Puddings are easy to kill if you take your time and keep your distance, and, Qual excepted, we were a pretty fast-moving party. We took it out without getting a scratch on us.

We found a harem, which sounds better than it was. It was decorated all eastern-style, which I approve of. There were about a dozen girls there, all phantoms, but all were pretty hot. They made us feel comfortable, and I would not have minded staying. Indeed, Sorel agreed with me on this and I could tell that the girls were getting into it too. But Qual threw water on our little party and made us get out of there fast. Turns out there was a magical sleep effect starting up, and we nearly passed out before we could get through the door.

Once again, we found a wing of the house we could not get to, so we knew a secret door was somewhere. This time, we found it without too much trouble. The room on the other side was lavish, with wall carvings and murals to make us feel like we were in a forest glade. Incense and bells made us feel at peace. There was a magic carpet floating on the far side of the room. I decided to give it a ride, but somehow the controls were jammed, and it started spinning uncontrollably when I tried to sit on it. Ow. There was also an altar that had two voluptuous angels engaged in carnal acts on it. Sorel found that particularly interesting. We could see him studying them carefully, but trying to look like he was only casually looking at them. Later, we found out that they had magical writing on them that promised immortality. Sorel found an inscription that asked “Do you want to live forever?” so he puts his hand on one of the sculpted boobs and shuts “YES!”

Well, guess what? Did you think anything in this manor was going to be straightforward? Sorel starts to transform. Really, I have no idea what he was thinking, not just touching a statue but falling for so obvious a ploy. His clothes disintegrate, and for a moment we get to see the wizard in all his spindly glory. Then his hips flare, his chest swells, and his pecker withdraws into his torso. The hair on his body falls off, and his skin becomes perfectly smooth and radiant. His limbs become lithe and toned, and his face reshapes into an image of feminine beauty. Sorel’s hair erupts like a waterfall down his back, turning bright gold. In the end, he looks exactly like one of the angels, boobs, wings, and all. Stark naked, of course. Sorel is also immortal, just like the statue offered, so I’m just about thinking that Sorel got a sweet deal when Qual says something like “Oh, fuck me.” Right there, in front of all of us, Sorel starts to fuck Qual. The dwarf was freaked (he’s not gay, he’s just a dwarf) but Sorel was horrified. Turns out that he (now she) can live forever, but only as an avatar of the lust goddess to whom this temple was dedicated, Tama Hama or something. For the rest of her eternal life, Sorel will have to do whatever kinky suggestion is made of her. Except for me apparently. Turns out I’m the one person whose commands Sorel can ignore. Just my luck. It’s like the universe doesn’t want me to have fun.

So, I have to wonder, what’s the deal with the gender-swapping traps in this place? The Rump family must have had some serious kinks, if you ask me. And now this winged-bimbo maker belongs to me. I have to admit, more than a few devious plans floated across my mind. How hard would it be to convince gullible guests to touch the statue. In a few days, I could have a huge harem of busty angels, catering to my every whim. Could I be that evil? Well, I suppose we won’t know until I try, will we?

In which no-one gets transformed, but the house pretty much tries to kill us

Well, I decided to keep the tiger look, for a while at least. Turns out that the sweet little old priestess in town wanted a small fortune to de-tigerify me. So much for the kindness and charity spiel she preaches. And it also turns out that the serving wench—remember the cute one we were going to use as a ghost-holder?—well, it turns out that she has a thing for big cats. So, my main objection to the mask was that people would run in fear from me. If they do the opposite, well, I’m flexible (but not as flexible as SHE is!)

So the next day we make a third assault on my new home. Looking at the map, we saw that there should have been a second floor above the west wing. We realized that we found no stairs up, so there must have been a secret passage that we missed, or else the Tegels teleported up there, which wouldn’t surprise me.

We had decent enough luck going room to room, and we didn’t see any reason to go charging around like we did on the first day. So we enter through the back door once again, but this time we turn right rather than left. Then we start checking out rooms. I suppose I should point out that we passed though a lot of empty rooms before we get to the encounters I described. Exploring is hard work, and it can be tedious. I don’t want to give the impression that it’s all fun and games.

SO the first room we check out looks like it was the bedchamber for a knight, with a suit of armor and a locked chest which I check out. We found a nice sword, probably magical, but since none of us use a longsword, we put it in the “to sell” pile. Then Qual went to check out some drapery leading to an alcove, and wouldn’t you know it, the drapery comes to life and tries to suffocate him. I swear that that dwarf’s curiosity is going to get us all killed big time. Well, of course we cut him out. It’s a good thing that dwarves can hold their breaths, or he would have suffocated in there.

Well the next room had clothing that tried to do the same thing. I began to suspect a pattern, and resolved to carry a pair of shears in my pack from then on.

The next room was a little different—everything was tinted red, and a bunch of ghostly dancers with swords whirled around, scaring the bejeezus out of two cavemen. So what do the cavemen do when they see us ride to their rescue? They attack us. Natch. So we have to put a beat-down on them while the dancers (who turn out to be harmless) continue to do their thing. They were guarding a room that had vats of blood. Just to be sure they weren’t for feeding vampires, we smashed them all. I try not to think about cleaning bills when we do this sort of thing.

Next we come across a simple bedroom that was home to a snake-headed man, who did not take our intrusion kindly. My efforts to talk with him were met by him trying swallow my beautiful furry tiger-head. I swear, I spend more time inside of monsters. On the plus side, once he was trying to swallow me, snakey-boy was pretty vulnerable to the axes and arrows of my buddies, who chopped him up good. Maybe I’ll take to wearing a spiked helmet.

The door to the next room was locked and rigged with a lightning trap that would have been better dealt with by a mage rather than me. Try telling Sorel this, though. He just laughed and laughed when I got zapped. Prick. Anyhow, there was a big magic cauldron in the next room. I know it was magic because it kept shooting lightning bolts at us. Qual got fried twice before we smashed it. I’m sure it did something really cool, but I have a thing against owning items that try to cook me.

We moved into a part of the manor that felt like a maze. No straight corridors with lots of doors to work with, just room to room to room. We came across a bunch of ghouls in one chamber. We put them down easily, but it was kind of funny when Ev forgot that she was no longer immune to ghoul touch. I suggested we do something rude to her while she was paralyzed, but Aleandra made to kick me in the nuts again so I decided to retract my suggestion.

We wandered in this area for some time, trying to make sense of the floorplan. We came across a nest of slugs that spit their venom at us. Only it was dye, not venom, and we were stained purple for the better part of two days. I added salt to the list of things I needed to bring back to the manor on our next resupply.

The next room appeared to be filled with flames, but they did not give off heat (cool—I want to keep the effect when I move in) and it was also home to what I can only describe as a Jell-o golem. It proved really tough to kill. Qual was in bad shape already, so we decided to call it a day and return to our camp.

We finally broke our campsite in!

I miss my wench. I wish I could remember her name.

In Which Sorel Also Finds Out That the Manor Has a Pervy Sense of Humor

So once again we’re standing in front of Tegel Manor. It’s a day later, our base camp in the outbuilding is a little better provisioned, and we are the only adventuring party in the world that has identical twin amazons. All day long, they thought it was funny to switch weapons, since that was the only way to tell them apart. It’s not like I ever told any deep dark secrets to either of them, so I saw it as a joke. Sorel, on the other hand, seems even more hot and bothered than usual. Qual sees the whole episode as a meaningless distraction. He just wants to get back into the manor, kill some things, and take their stuff.

We entered by the back door again and decided to check out some of the doors along the long hallway. The first room contained a long-dead orc hanging from the ceiling and some giant rats. Not much challenge there. The room to the south was a bit more of a challenge. In what had been a bedroom, there was a Black Pudding. We had fought oozes before, and we knew what to do, but that did not make it any easier. We knew that the slimy creature would corrode any weapon we hit it with, so we all switched to backup arms. With flame and club, we beat it down. Of course it split into smaller blobs, so that made teamwork really important. Aleandra and Qual both got slimed on her legs, leaving really nasty injuries. Potions helped put them right.

There was a statue of a woman in that room, a real looker. Qual went to check it out once his leg was better, and you could tell that it was magical when he went all rigid upon touching it. A second later, he was talking in such an imperious manner that even Sorel took offense. Then there was the sashaying. Dwarves don’t sashay. Ever. So, duh, do you think he was possessed? We had to give our dwarf a beat-down to subdue him. When we got him to speak clearly, he said that he was Rhian the Remorseless, a Rump from a century before. She was the babe depicted in the statue. I convinced her that she really didn’t want to be a dwarf, but that we would find a suitable host body for her. I told her about the hot serving wench in town whose body she could use. She didn’t really have a choice, as she had a whole party ready to slay her. She went back to the statue. Then we smashed it. I mean, really. Don’t fuck with my dwarf.

The next room was artificially chilly. It was a well-preserved bedroom. This one had a wax effigy of Rhian on the bed. We did not touch it. If I got one lesson from Tegel Manor it was this: DON’T TOUCH ANY FREAKIN’ STATUES!

The next room was even colder. It contained a bunch of weapons, some of which detected as magic. We stashed them—a hand-axe, a dagger, and a short sword—for later. The door slammed shut behind us, and we faced the unpleasant prospect of freezing to death. Judicious application of brute force on the door eventually opened it. I suggested to the Amazons that we huddle together for warmth. I’m not sure which one of them kneed me in the nuts, but it was totally uncalled for.

A giant frog was in the next room. Why, I don’t know. We were far from a swamp. But I had given up on using logic to make sense of my manor. As if to reward me for my suspension of disbelief, the slimy bastard nearly ate me. I found out what the inside of a frog looks like, and I got bludgeoned as Qual and Aleandra cut me out.

The next room was kind of cool, if somewhat frustrating. It was nothing but quarters for the servants, but it looked like someone had trashed it. Turns out that gravity periodically reversed in there. So we fall up. We fall down. We fall up. We fall down. We fall up... well, you get the picture. We eventually caught on, too. I sort of want to keep that enchantment when I take over this place. Could be fun, in the right circumstances.

We found a grisly trophy room next, where two giant beetles were hiding inside a stuffed octopus. Not too much trouble. A painting in the next room came to life. It was a battle scene, and a few arrows came flying out of it. One hit Sorel. I thought that was funny. In response, he threatened to turn me into a pig.

Next we find a chapel or something, off that hall with the talking pictures. Not much to say about it. No lingering evils or bound demons to menace us. We did find three magical animal masks—a falcon, a wolf, and a tiger. Sorel convinced me they were safe, so I tried the tiger mask on. OF COURSE I couldn’t get it off, and it transformed my face so I look like a tiger. On the plus side, it made me stronger and quicker. On the down side, I had to put up with the laughter of everyone else. I said it was a good time to go back to town. Everyone reluctantly agreed. So it looks like our little camp is never really going to see any use if we keep getting transformed like we do.