In which my adventure concludes

I gave Qual a little tickle in the tummy and sent her on her way. Sorel had moved behind me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I want in," she said.

"Excuse me?" I asked, surprised.

"Well, there's no way I can fight you, and I figure you couldn't screw up the world any more than it is now."

"That's it? No recriminations about my subversion of free will? No threats to destroy my evil reign of terror?"

Sorel laughed. "It's perverted, but hardly evil. I don't think you have evil in you, Quinn. Or Tama Hama. Or whoever you are."

"Quinn."

"Well, Quinn, I'm still Sorel. And I despite everything that happened I'm still the same person who set out on this adventure a month ago. And you know why I joined our little party, right? I wanted power. And while I always assumed I would find it in some dusty manuscript or some glowing relic, I have found it. It's not what I imagined, but it's in you. In us. Quinn, you're about to change the world, and I want to get in on the ground floor."

"Are you sure? Because there are bound to be powers who will try to stop me that we haven't even considered yet."

"It doesn't matter. I like who I am now. I like how I feel now. I like being a woman." She cupped her magnificent breasts which were identical to mine. I really needed to take more time to admire our racks. "What you're doing...well, it's kind of how."

She grabbed me by the hands and looked into my eyes. "But there's more to it, Quinn. Even if you wanted to turn the whole world into donkeys, I would stand by you. I care about you. I love you. I'm so glad it was you that found this power."

And just like that, I had my first follower.

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Epilogue

Sorel and I made love for a month. With immortal bodies that needed neither food nor sleep, we could focus on what was really important. Even without using my powers, we could bring each other to heights of bliss and remain in that state for hours. I used my transformative powers to try out some really freaky stuff, adding limbs, sex organs, and even trying sex as entirely new species. Always we came back to the form of the goddess, for in it we found perfection. We could feed off of each other's pleasure, and use it to fuel our own orgasmic joy.

I would have gone on for centuries, but it was Sorel who reminded me that a month had passed. I was curious to see how the world was progressing towards the wonderland I had imagined. Gathering Ev and Aleandra, who had done a great job of rehabilitating the manor over the past month, I closed my eyes and wished us to Viridistan. Viridistan was the largest city in the world. It was about a thousand miles to the west, and it was a major cult center of Tama Hama. Somehow, it seemed fitting.

When I opened my eyes we were there, in the great public square in front of the palace. It was the middle of the day and, as expected, it was crowded with people. But what people! Every single person in sight was a beautiful woman, each so lovely that the old Quinn would have killed just to be in their presence. Each had an angelic face, a slender, lithe figure, and impossibly large and round breasts. Most were human, but I also saw all varieties of elves, some cat-girls, and even a few centaurs. Mermaids frolicked in the public fountains. Several fairies buzzed about, each identical to the form I had given Qual, sprinkling dust which would ensure these beauties would stay young, healthy and gorgeous forever. And everywhere I looked, these lovelies showed affection to each other. Even as they went about their business, strangers kissed as they passed. Merchants and their clients fondled each other. And there was no taboo against couples making love in the streets. I could feel myself growing aroused at the sight of my earthly paradise.

But then everything seemed to stop as the throng grew aware of my presence. They knew me for what I was, and they bowed to me. The busiest city in the world grew quiet, awaiting my proclamation. I amplified my voice and addressed them.

"People of Viridistan, my people, you please me with your beauty. Now please me with your bodies and your lust. Your pleasure will be my power, and my power will be your eternal joy. Today is a day of celebration!"

And with those words, strangers fell upon each other in a mob of passion. A city of sixty thousand became one giant orgy. Ev and Aleandra were going at it at my feet, and Sorel embraced me from behind, grabbing my nipples and nibbling my ear.

It was good to be the goddess.

In which I improve a dwarf, and lay my plans for the world

"Qual, give it up. You know you can't win," I said, as calmly as I could. I was always quick on my feet. With my apotheosis, Qual's swings seemed to come in slow-motion. I could have turned his axe to a swarm of butterflies, I could have changed Qual's mind for him, but I wanted this to play out. One willing convert would have been nice. All I had to do was step out of the way of what looked like lazy, slow swings of Qual's axe.

"Then I shall make a statement!" Qual said boldly. "I shall go down swinging against evil incarnate."

I sighed. There was just no pleasing some people. I decided to emply some of my power, so that with each swing of his weapon, Qual became smaller and slighter. A swing at my head, and he was suddenly too small for his armor. breastplate and greaves fell clattering to the floor. Another swipe at my midsection, and Qual's midesction clenched in while his hips flared out. His loincloth hung limply over where his member used to be. A final desperate attempt to cleave me in two saw two round, firm breasts appear on his chest and his facial features turn dainty and feminine. Now too frail to hold his axe anymore, Qual dropped his weapon and fell to his knees, sobbing. He, or rather she, was barely a foot tall. I picked the former dwarf up and cradled her in my arms.

"You monster!" she said through her tears, her voice little more than a squeak.

"There, there," I replied, stroking Qual like a doll. Within seconds, Qual was soothed, Exhausted, she fell limp in my grasp. I offered a nipple to her, and she began to suck. I let some of my milk flow into her thristing mouth. At least, i think it was milk. It was like I was giving her some of my essence as nourishment. I stroked her back as she drank, and two gossamer wings grew from her shoulderbaldes. Her limbs grew even more delicate, and in minutes Qual had completed her transformation into a pixie, albeit one that appeared topheavy with melon-sized breasts, were she normal height.

"Wake up my little fairy," I said, and Qual looked up at me, trusting and adoring. "Feel what it is like to fly."

Qual stretched her wings tentatively, then leapt into the air. She squealed with joy, and was soon looping and swooshing around our little group. Everywhere she flew, little gold sparkles drifted to the ground.

"So what's with the pixie dust?" Sorel asked. She had been quiet through the whole battle with Qual.

"It's Qual's way of delivering my blessing. Wherever it lands on plants, or in water, or on feed for livestock, it will transform any humanoid who partakes of it."

"So she's going to change the world, one village at a time, into your lesbian playground?"

"Faster, actually," I said. "When I reshaped Qual, I made her pregnant. Soon she will lay a thousand eggs. Her daughters will spread out over the earth. The world should be changed to meet my desire in...twenty-seven days." Higher math was so much easier with a divine intellect.

In which I get offered the chance of a lifetime. Or many, many lifetimes.

So if you asked me to describe what the realm of Tama Hama was like, I would throw a bunch of meaningless metaphors at you. What I saw and heard and smelled was beyond anything my senses could comprehend, and any words I used to describe what I did comprehend would fall far short of the essence of the place. So let me simply say that it was lush. Every sense of mine was exploding with pleasure at the same time. I wouldn't quite call it joy, for it was a physical rather than a spiritual contentment. It was a physical pleasure both refined and explosive, and all parts of my body thrilled at once. In Tama Hama's realm, there was no up nor down, just sheer pleasure of being.

Then she was before me. I saw a reflection of myself (and Sorel) but I also saw every image of female beauty I had ever seen or dreamed. There was no doubt I was in the presence of a goddess. I know I should have been terrified, but I knew beyond all doubt that she was my goddess, and that I was thoroughly her worshiper.

When she spoke, it was pure sound, spoken directly to my soul, raising me to a new plateau of exquisite pleasure.

"You are the first mortal to cross this barrier in many centuries. Why have you come?" I knew she already knew the answer. She could read it directly from my soul, but I also knew that my response was an important part of the ritual dance we were going through.

"I needed to cleanse a house of an evil taint. Your shrine was neglected and forgotten, until my friend Sorel awakened it. When I awoke in this body, I knew who you were, and what had to be done to restore you to your place in the world."

"Your friend agreed to accept my gift. You did not choose to become my servant. Yet you are here and he is not. Do you know why?"

I didn't really. There was no need to answer. The goddess continued.

"You are here because I chose you. Since the beginning of time, you have always been the one who would carry my power back into the world. All of your life has led you to this point: winning the manor, discovering my shrine, your transformation. But your destiny is yours to embrace only if you choose to embrace it."

"I can go back?"

"I can return you to what you once were. Your destiny would be your own for the first time in your life. You would be a man again, free to choose your path and win your fortune. You would live, win glory, and die. But if you choose to become my vessel, all of my power will be yours. You and I shall be one. We shall walk the mortal realm forever, bringing the joy of lust and desire where it is needed."

"Do I need to answer now?"

"You cannot leave here until you do."

I knew there was no point in delaying. My mind had been made up before I even came to this place.

In which Sorel and I check out each others goodies

Well, Sorel was the only one who wanted to talk with me about what I went through. She took it upon herself to make me comfortable with my body. Well, our bodies. Whatever. So we went to our spot on the cliff and she strips naked and encourages me to do the same. i don't know what I was thinking, but I did it. Damn, but we looked hot. I suppose if I had to give up my scarred old body, this would not be a bad second choice. And Sorel was giving me that look again. It was clear that her feelings hadn't changed.

In which this whole adventure stops being funny

I wish I could say that things seemed more clear in the morning, but I was as confused as ever. Part of me clearly had no problem looking at Sorel as a romantic partner. But what if she ever turned back? I don’t think I could take that degree of awkward. And every time I thought I had my mind made up about the situation, a little nagging doubt brought me right back to my state of confusion. Worse, my confusion was starting to have an effect on my professional life. I fell into a pit trap and nearly skewered myself on a javelin that fired out of a door. Good thing I ducked—it was dripping with poison.

Well, we finally opened the trapped door so that we could explore the last (and tallest) tower. We find a lab filled with alchemical equipment and a library with hundreds of books. A little bit of the old Sorel emerged and she practically started drooling at the knowledge she could gain from this place. She did not even have a second to explore when the owner of this place made himself known. It was a lich, taking a chemical bath in a vat the size of a rowboat. That’s right. You heard me. A fucking lich.

Well, I did my best to be polite, as the last thing we wanted was to make him angry. He was already pretty steamed at the way we barged into his private abode, so we told the story of how Sir Runic gave us ownership of the place. Well, the lich’s attitude changed after that. He was also a Rump, Ridwick, but his claim to the Manor ended when he died. He said there had to be a living owner of the manor, but as long as we left him alone to his rest and research in the tower, we had nothing to her from him. Qual wanted to put conditions on the promise, like no experimenting on sentient beings, but I knew when to cut a deal, so I cut the dwarf off and shook the lich’s bony hand. Oh, there was one other little condition we had to recover a stone for him called the Heart of Darkness that had been lost under the manor. Seems he can’t go look for it since his teleport gate only functions for the living.

Well, of course I had misgivings, but I would have agreed to anything in order to get out of there. Old Ridwick could have toasted us in less than a minute, and we could not even have made him break a sweat. So Ridwick leads us up a few levels in the tower to a magic mirror in his quarters and we all step though. When we step out, we are in a cold damp chamber, doubtlessly deep underground.

Our first priority was to find a way back up. Our plan was to find the Heart then go have it evaluated. If it was not some key to an evil plan that would blot out all life in the planet, we would keep our word and turn it over to Ridwick. Otherwise, we would toss it in the ocean and leave Tegel for good.

So the dungeon turns out to be something of a pushover. We run into a bunch of skeletons and zombies that take us all of ten seconds to put down. We find some stairs up and a tribe of goblins. In a way it was cathartic to be fighting goblins again. We butchered several dozen of them without taking any serious injuries. My dragon scales were pretty secure protection, and just to change things up a bit I played at being a fighter for a while. The goblins guarded an escape tunnel that led to the beach, so we were double sure that we had a way out.

We also found some stairs down, and since we were all still feeling pretty good, we decided to press on. On the next level down, we started meeting some serious challenges—ghouls, a wight or two, and a pack of boars. No idea how the pigs survived in this steamy hole, but they proved to be the toughest of the lot. I took some pretty bad hits, and Ev was torn up pretty bad, too. I think I’m done playing fighter for a while.

It was about this time that we noticed that Golem had gone. Sorel said good riddance, but I felt kind of responsible for her. I wanted to go look for her, but the others thought that she wasn’t worth it. That made me kind of mad. Just because I brought her to life didn’t mean that she wasn’t alive, or that she wasn’t worth saving. The others pointed out that she hadn’t done a whole lot to help us, and I said that wasn’t the point, since Ev barely did anything to help us and we kept her around. Well, I meant that as a joke, but Ev gets all upset. Naturally, Aleandra sides with Ev and they both turn into unicorns so they can wave their big horsey asses at me. Sorel sides with the amazon twins since she never liked Golem in the first place, and Qual sided with the girls since he’s been kind of a dick since the whole werebear incident.

So I set off on my own to find Golem, just to show that I could have principles, too. It took a while, but I found a secret door that she must have slipped through. That door led down into some kind of natural sauna, where a pool of boiling water surrounded a small island. There, in the center of the little island, was Golem. She must have flown out there, because it looked too far to jump. She seemed happy to see me, but no amount of coaxing could get her to fly back to me.

So I decide to jump out to her. It was a stretch, but I’m pretty athletic, and I knew that I had jumped greater distances before. I sailed across the boiling water with no difficulty, landing right next to Golem. The one thing I hadn’t counted on was the slippery rock on the island. I remember seeing the look of surprise on Golem’s face as I slid right past her, completely out of control until I plunged into the boiling water on the far side.

I remember intense pain, pain that shot through my entire body, making me spasm in agony to such a degree that I could not muster the control needed to swim to the surface. I could feel my skin scald and blister. I screamed, and with the scream boiling water entered my body and began to cook me from the inside out. Then it became too much, and all of my sensations just dissolved into a white light that washed over me, ending the pain and the feeling of being cooked alive.

And then, a moment later, I was looking down at my body through the water. I could no longer feel the heat or steam in the chamber. All I could feel was sadness at seeing my dead, blistered body under ten feet of boiling water. Then I felt anger that my brilliant career had ended in such a clumsy and ignominious manner. Then, I felt confused, since I was dead and still having these thoughts. There was no “step into the light,” no greeting a warm and welcoming divinity. I was still here, in this world. And I was quite clearly still standing in the island, with a real physical body, staring down at my corpse past my…

Breasts. Big, round beautiful naked breasts, of the sort I used to love to ogle. But there they were, hanging on my own chest, and a little farther down, there was a small patch of blonde pubic hair where my “Dagger of Piercing” used to be. I knew the body that I now wore, although I had never seen it from this angle. I had become Golem.

In which a member of our party transforms into a total babe. Again.

Well, I’m no longer a tiger. I had one more night with the wench (named Hazel, if you’re interested), and she started to make plans about the two of us running off to the City-State or some nonsense. Well, we had plans to go see the priestess the next day, so that pretty much settled it for me.

We had to sit through some long, boring sermon about the White Lady before the priestess would cure us. We nodded along and smiled, and by lunchtime, the damage from the wights was gone, Ev was no longer a walking leper, and I had my beautiful face back. We were also out one precious idol, which paid for all that benevolence. On the whole, our take was pretty weak. Split five ways, I was beginning to doubt our ability to do serious renovations.

We took a day off to rest and regroup, and on the next day we arrived bright and early at the manor. Then we went straight for the front door this time. The foyer was nice, but apart from some more animated portraits, there was not too much of interest. We headed east, right into the…torture chamber. Classy. Sorel started making some suggestive jokes, and I swear both of the amazons were flirting with him. Qual and I rolled our eyes, but then suddenly, some chains in the center of the room animated and grabbed the girls (yeah, I think of Ev as a girl now) and tried to drag them into a pit. Qual cut through them with an axe, and I used my tools to break through some of the other links. That seemed to quiet the chains, but we were in a hurry to get out of there.

We were in another twisty part of the manor, where rooms and corridors seemed to appear with no logical sense. We found a bedroom with all the accoutrements of a knight, including the suit of armor. Turns out there was a skeleton inside who loved to shout insults at us, but because the armor was rusted in place, he could not move. Here is a sample of his craft:

Qual: “You half-sized hairy melon!”

Aleandra: “You beaver-eating poison-spewing harridan!”

Evrian: “You drag queen!” (how did he know?)

Sorel: “You perverted powdered unman!”

Yeah, it said stuff about me, but since I’m writing this journal, you don’t get to hear anything about it.

The next room was set up with a tea service. There was a black pudding slopping around in there, too. Puddings are easy to kill if you take your time and keep your distance, and, Qual excepted, we were a pretty fast-moving party. We took it out without getting a scratch on us.

We found a harem, which sounds better than it was. It was decorated all eastern-style, which I approve of. There were about a dozen girls there, all phantoms, but all were pretty hot. They made us feel comfortable, and I would not have minded staying. Indeed, Sorel agreed with me on this and I could tell that the girls were getting into it too. But Qual threw water on our little party and made us get out of there fast. Turns out there was a magical sleep effect starting up, and we nearly passed out before we could get through the door.

Once again, we found a wing of the house we could not get to, so we knew a secret door was somewhere. This time, we found it without too much trouble. The room on the other side was lavish, with wall carvings and murals to make us feel like we were in a forest glade. Incense and bells made us feel at peace. There was a magic carpet floating on the far side of the room. I decided to give it a ride, but somehow the controls were jammed, and it started spinning uncontrollably when I tried to sit on it. Ow. There was also an altar that had two voluptuous angels engaged in carnal acts on it. Sorel found that particularly interesting. We could see him studying them carefully, but trying to look like he was only casually looking at them. Later, we found out that they had magical writing on them that promised immortality. Sorel found an inscription that asked “Do you want to live forever?” so he puts his hand on one of the sculpted boobs and shuts “YES!”

Well, guess what? Did you think anything in this manor was going to be straightforward? Sorel starts to transform. Really, I have no idea what he was thinking, not just touching a statue but falling for so obvious a ploy. His clothes disintegrate, and for a moment we get to see the wizard in all his spindly glory. Then his hips flare, his chest swells, and his pecker withdraws into his torso. The hair on his body falls off, and his skin becomes perfectly smooth and radiant. His limbs become lithe and toned, and his face reshapes into an image of feminine beauty. Sorel’s hair erupts like a waterfall down his back, turning bright gold. In the end, he looks exactly like one of the angels, boobs, wings, and all. Stark naked, of course. Sorel is also immortal, just like the statue offered, so I’m just about thinking that Sorel got a sweet deal when Qual says something like “Oh, fuck me.” Right there, in front of all of us, Sorel starts to fuck Qual. The dwarf was freaked (he’s not gay, he’s just a dwarf) but Sorel was horrified. Turns out that he (now she) can live forever, but only as an avatar of the lust goddess to whom this temple was dedicated, Tama Hama or something. For the rest of her eternal life, Sorel will have to do whatever kinky suggestion is made of her. Except for me apparently. Turns out I’m the one person whose commands Sorel can ignore. Just my luck. It’s like the universe doesn’t want me to have fun.

So, I have to wonder, what’s the deal with the gender-swapping traps in this place? The Rump family must have had some serious kinks, if you ask me. And now this winged-bimbo maker belongs to me. I have to admit, more than a few devious plans floated across my mind. How hard would it be to convince gullible guests to touch the statue. In a few days, I could have a huge harem of busty angels, catering to my every whim. Could I be that evil? Well, I suppose we won’t know until I try, will we?

In Which Sorel Also Finds Out That the Manor Has a Pervy Sense of Humor

So once again we’re standing in front of Tegel Manor. It’s a day later, our base camp in the outbuilding is a little better provisioned, and we are the only adventuring party in the world that has identical twin amazons. All day long, they thought it was funny to switch weapons, since that was the only way to tell them apart. It’s not like I ever told any deep dark secrets to either of them, so I saw it as a joke. Sorel, on the other hand, seems even more hot and bothered than usual. Qual sees the whole episode as a meaningless distraction. He just wants to get back into the manor, kill some things, and take their stuff.

We entered by the back door again and decided to check out some of the doors along the long hallway. The first room contained a long-dead orc hanging from the ceiling and some giant rats. Not much challenge there. The room to the south was a bit more of a challenge. In what had been a bedroom, there was a Black Pudding. We had fought oozes before, and we knew what to do, but that did not make it any easier. We knew that the slimy creature would corrode any weapon we hit it with, so we all switched to backup arms. With flame and club, we beat it down. Of course it split into smaller blobs, so that made teamwork really important. Aleandra and Qual both got slimed on her legs, leaving really nasty injuries. Potions helped put them right.

There was a statue of a woman in that room, a real looker. Qual went to check it out once his leg was better, and you could tell that it was magical when he went all rigid upon touching it. A second later, he was talking in such an imperious manner that even Sorel took offense. Then there was the sashaying. Dwarves don’t sashay. Ever. So, duh, do you think he was possessed? We had to give our dwarf a beat-down to subdue him. When we got him to speak clearly, he said that he was Rhian the Remorseless, a Rump from a century before. She was the babe depicted in the statue. I convinced her that she really didn’t want to be a dwarf, but that we would find a suitable host body for her. I told her about the hot serving wench in town whose body she could use. She didn’t really have a choice, as she had a whole party ready to slay her. She went back to the statue. Then we smashed it. I mean, really. Don’t fuck with my dwarf.

The next room was artificially chilly. It was a well-preserved bedroom. This one had a wax effigy of Rhian on the bed. We did not touch it. If I got one lesson from Tegel Manor it was this: DON’T TOUCH ANY FREAKIN’ STATUES!

The next room was even colder. It contained a bunch of weapons, some of which detected as magic. We stashed them—a hand-axe, a dagger, and a short sword—for later. The door slammed shut behind us, and we faced the unpleasant prospect of freezing to death. Judicious application of brute force on the door eventually opened it. I suggested to the Amazons that we huddle together for warmth. I’m not sure which one of them kneed me in the nuts, but it was totally uncalled for.

A giant frog was in the next room. Why, I don’t know. We were far from a swamp. But I had given up on using logic to make sense of my manor. As if to reward me for my suspension of disbelief, the slimy bastard nearly ate me. I found out what the inside of a frog looks like, and I got bludgeoned as Qual and Aleandra cut me out.

The next room was kind of cool, if somewhat frustrating. It was nothing but quarters for the servants, but it looked like someone had trashed it. Turns out that gravity periodically reversed in there. So we fall up. We fall down. We fall up. We fall down. We fall up... well, you get the picture. We eventually caught on, too. I sort of want to keep that enchantment when I take over this place. Could be fun, in the right circumstances.

We found a grisly trophy room next, where two giant beetles were hiding inside a stuffed octopus. Not too much trouble. A painting in the next room came to life. It was a battle scene, and a few arrows came flying out of it. One hit Sorel. I thought that was funny. In response, he threatened to turn me into a pig.

Next we find a chapel or something, off that hall with the talking pictures. Not much to say about it. No lingering evils or bound demons to menace us. We did find three magical animal masks—a falcon, a wolf, and a tiger. Sorel convinced me they were safe, so I tried the tiger mask on. OF COURSE I couldn’t get it off, and it transformed my face so I look like a tiger. On the plus side, it made me stronger and quicker. On the down side, I had to put up with the laughter of everyone else. I said it was a good time to go back to town. Everyone reluctantly agreed. So it looks like our little camp is never really going to see any use if we keep getting transformed like we do.

In which we fight a bunch of toys and Ev loses something important

Well, one look at the manor and my *ahem* loyal companions started to laugh. “You’ve been had,” Qual said, and I had to admit he was right. In its day, Tegel Manor must have been worth a fortune. It perched atop a seaside cliff, one of the largest buildings I had ever seen. Low and sprawling for the most part, two high towers stood watch against the sea. Several styles of architecture were in evidence, and even to a non-expert like me, I could tell that the manor had been built over the course of several centuries. Those centuries had not been kind to it, however, and it would probably take a thousand pounds of gold to restore it to even a shadow of its former glory. Sir Runic had said that the place was untouched, with all furniture and treasure still intact, so I had hopes that a renovation fund could be started with what lay beyond the doors.

I’m glad we arrived early in the morning on a sunny day. Though I am not a morning person, arriving at night would have made my heart sink even further. Of course I believed Runic’s stories about the walking dead, but they did not seem quite so threatening in the light of day.

The others wanted to go in through the front door, but I held them back until I could scout around the entire building. This alone took some time, as the gardens were overgrown and the house was several hundred paces from end to end. There were a few outbuildings, one of which we decided to use as a camp, as it was clear from the size of the place that exploring the manor would take several days. This at least saved us from having to camp out (which I loathe) or from having to make the five-mile walk back to town every night.

I decided that we should make our first entry through the garden door rather than the front door. I could not help but think that something malevolent was waiting for us inside, and that it might be better if we took a more indirect approach. The back door had no traps, and the key turned readily enough in the lock. The old boards had warped so badly, however, that it took Qual and Aleandra working together to pry the door open. They had to practically lift it off its hinges to open it. I know I saw Sorel snickering at this damage to my home. I bit my lip and let it slide, eager to start exploring.

The door opened to a long hallway. Many doors opened off of it, and it twisted around corners and out of sight. We decided to explore the entire hallway to get the lay of the building. As fate would have it, the corridor went almost the length of the building, but it twisted and turned and branched so many times that we had doubts about the rudimentary map we had made along the way. Still, it was better than nothing, and I was glad for it, as none of the layout of this place made sense to us.

Every so often, a strange sound would startle us: laughter, a thunderclap, crying, or the sound of machinery. At first these sounds set us into a panic, causing us to arm ourselves and prepare for a fight. After these fights failed to materialize, though, we began to ignore them, and eventually accepted the noises as part of the manor’s dubious ambiance. Definite sniggers from Sorel this time.

We found some stairs going down, but no-one objected to my suggestion that we save the basements for last. I’m sure that whatever was down there was important, but I wanted to make sure we had exhausted the above-ground possibilities before we went underground. Besides, we found a much more interesting hallway to explore.

The gallery that ran up the western side of the manor was filled with portraits of Rump ancestors. By the styles and costumes evident, Sorel estimated that over seven centuries of Rumps were depicted. The paintings were a little unsettling, and they detected as magic, so we wisely gave them a wise berth. Aleandra, however, could not resist giving one depicted a fully-armored knight a touch. For a few moments, the image came to life, and the knight began spinning tales about the great hunts he had been on. We could see something horrible happen to the picture, too. While he spoke, the knight—the label named him “Randver”—began to take on the aspect of a monstrous undead. Just at that moment, Aleandra began raving about how the “portal is open.” It took all of us to subdue her and calm her down. We agreed not to touch any paintings after that. When left alone, Randver returned to his normal state.

Some stairs led up from that gallery, and since our survey of the building outside indicated that there could not be more than a room or two above us, we decided that the stairs would be a good place to begin.

There was only one room at the top of the landing, eerily lit by sunlight streaming through stained-glass windows showing an idyllic fairyland. Tinkly music, as if from a child’s toy piano, filled the air, but we never did find the source. This was clearly a nursery or a playroom. Toys were strewn everywhere. A crib and two small beds showed where younger Rumps must have taken their naps once. I noticed that some marbles on the floor appeared to be gemstones of some sort, but when I bent over to grab one, a stuffed bear came to life and bit me on the calf. I howled and tried to stab it. Qual lined up to hit it with his axe, which I thought was a very bad idea. Meanwhile, toy soldiers sprang into action, a doll with fangs tried to jump Evrian, and a snake menaced Aleandra.

Sorel blasted the snake (seriously, who gets a snake for their kids to play with?) with an arcane bolt, freeing up the Amazon to strike at the demon doll, which was busy tearing holes in elf-flesh. Ev is all but useless unless he can put ten yards between himself and his enemy, and it was all he and the Amazon could do to put down ten pounds of lace and porcelain. Meanwhile, Qual took my advice to NOT cut my leg off in an attempt to de-bear it and fought against the little toy soldiers. They went down easily enough—Qual reaped them like wheat with his mighty axe, but there were a lot of them, and by the time he was done, he was bleeding from a dozen small cuts. Meanwhile, there was a frikkin’ bear chewing on my leg! Fortunately, my blasé was sharp, just the right tool for tearing the stuffing out of a toy, but I lot one trouser leg and about a pound of flesh in the process. The dust settled, and we stood bloodied and panting amid the carnage of disassembled toys. Not what we were expecting to fight. At least no-one died. Can you imagine the shame?

Turns out the marbles really were gemstones, worth a bundle, too, by my estimation. Of course Sorel could not let me gather them by myself, but he ‘supervised’ me, along with Qual. So while they were watching me put shiny stones into a pouch, Ev and Aleandra check out the one remaining feature in the room: a statue of a winged elf. Ev figured that since he was an elf, he should be the one to touch it. Bad idea. As soon as he touched its outstretched hand, he freezes in place, and beams shoot out of the statue’s eyes, hitting the next closest person to it: Aleandra. Then, before our eyes, Ev started to morph and change. His shrieks became increasingly high pitched, but he was otherwise powerless to move. Sorel advised us not to touch him, and for once I agreed with the jackass. It was all over in a minute anyhow. Where that had once been a male elf archer now stood an exact duplicate of Aleandra, right down to the chainmail bikini. Only then could Ev find the power to move.

We didn’t stop laughing for quite some time. Ev was not amused at all, and Aleandra seemed to be pretty pissed off about it. I thought Sorel was going to faint dead away at the thought of two nubile Amazon twins. Of course, if I ever voiced a like sentiment, I’d get called a pervert, or worse. Anyhow, Sorel was useless in trying to undo the magical trap (and, really, as inappropriate as the snake was in the kids’ playroom, what possibly could have gone into the parents’ mind to install a gender-switching statue in the same place)? So all in all, it was a total nuthouse. Qual and I were laughing our asses off. Aleandra was all huffy, and Sorel was doing his best to hide his arousal. Ev freaked out if we so much as looked at him, or her. Not that I could always tell the difference before the transformation. Elves always freaked me out with their androgyny. Not there was any mistaking Ev for a man now. Aleandra had a spectacular rack. So as far as I was concerned, Ev’s transformation was an asset to the party. I tried to explain to him…her…whatever…that since she still had her bow and her skills, she could still fight like she used to. No dice. She wanted to find a priest or a mage who could undo the curse right away.

So even though we weren’t really banged up, we decided to call it a day. We had to go back to town, so our plan to stay in the outbuilding did not even see its first night. We had gems worth a few thousand gold, though, so as far as I was concerned I had already met my initial investment. We could buy some proper supplies now, and we could even afford some magical help for Ev (not that I saw such help as necessary. I mean if it was me, I would find a mirror and some privacy and go to town…yeah, you think I’m a pervert, too, don’t you? Well just pretend you wouldn’t!)