In which we delve a dungeon, and my confusion doesn't get any better

So that’s the situation we were in when we made yet another approach to the manor. We went in the front door again, only this time we turned south rather than east. We entered what must have been the biggest room in the place, a feast hall that could easily have seated hundreds. There were only a dozen in there when we arrived, and they were all skeletons, acting as if they were eating and drinking and having a great old time. I won’t bore you with how easily we trashed them.

We left the great hall and came to a vaulted throne room. This must have been where the Rumps oversaw their depravity. I never had much use for ceremony myself, and I resolved to do something useful with this space. Anyhow, the room was infested with spiders the size of ponies. Three of them tried to make lunch of us. It was a good fight. Tense. Aleandra and Qual got poisoned and had to fight to stay on their feet. I was everywhere, darting around the hairy bugs, doing my usual killing strokes with my rapier. It turns out that Sorel can fly. I mean, we all saw the wings, but this is the first time we saw her leave the ground…and she wasn’t flapping her wings. She was just sort of hovering there. So we figured that the flight was a magical characteristic of her new form, and the wings were for propulsion and maneuvering. Learning that cheered Sorel up a good bit.

We pressed on before the poison was out of Qual’s and Aleandra’s systems, which in hindsight was pretty stupid, because in the next room we fought some kind of mutant ape that was way tougher than it looked. We could barely land a blow, while it danced around us all the while, merrily trying to eat our faces. We got into our store of healing potions after that one. We did find a skeleton who was holding a magical ring. I was happy that we found some treasure of real worth.

A study was behind the next door, and Sorel rushed in, eager to find some magical books (at least some things haven’t changed about her). Then she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw that the room was decorated with erotic tapestries depicting a full-on orgy. She stood there fascinated for a second, then immediately starts masturbating right in front of us. Ev tried to go in and help her, but Sorel jumped the amazon and practically raped her on the spot. I think Ev was too surprised to resist. Turns out I had to go in and break it up with my mood-killing ability. Sorel just collapsed in tears at her loss of control, and I had to hold her while the others checked the room. It was awkward, but Sorel was so pathetically grateful I couldn’t really say anything. It was good to help in that way, I guess.

After that, she kept close to me, which drove me nuts, because every so often I would forget who she was and I’d find myself getting turned on by her perfect body. She wore nothing but a loose tunic, and every step revealed an expanse of beautiful flesh. I found myself finding excuses to move away from her (“I think I see a trap”) and hating myself for doing so. And the way she lit up when I moved close to her again, well, it made me ill. But it also felt good to see her smile. I’m so confused.

As fate would have it, the next room had some women’s clothes in it. Sorel changed into a black spider silk gown that proved as resilient as chainmail. It also made her look fantastic, drawing attention to all of her interesting bits. The dress was guarded by a hand. Nothing was attached to it. Just a hand. But it moved fast, and it latched around my throat, and it was strong. I was running out of air before I knew it. Aleandra tried to hack it with her pole axe (funny, that amazon) but Sorel blasted it it with magic bolts. God, she looked so sappy when I thanked her. I so do not like where this was heading. I find myself being rude to her just so she gives me some distance, and then I feel terrible, so I apologize and start the whole cycle over again.

In which I get screwed by not getting screwed

Well, guess what, we’re back in town again. We had to try to see if Sorel’s transformation could be reversed. No-one had much hope, and as it turns out, we were right. Just as with Ev, Sorel’s transformation was pretty much permanent. Really permanent, given that Sorel now had an immortal body.

Our first trip to the tavern was a disaster. A few offhand comments by a farmer and Sorel was back in action, happily taking two guys back to her room for a little romp. We tried to run interference, but we were already occupied with another, even rougher group of suitors. Sorel was really freaked out and resolved to never go out in public again.

This whole episode really changed our party dynamic. Aleandra couldn’t resist taking advantage of Sorel’s condition and engaged in a little extracurricular activity, including one three-way with Ev that I would have given anything to seen. So now Aleandra is the party lech, stealing that title from Sorel and me. Ev and Sorel have bonded over their lost penises and have formed a Former Guys Club. But the biggest change is in the way Sorel and I treat each other. Sorel is so full of self-pity that she doesn’t even have time to be an asshole anymore. In fact, she treats other people quite nicely, to avoid any accidental sexual suggestion. And since I’m the only one in the world who can’t get her motor running, she has latched on to me as her “safe” friend. At least once a day I have to hold her as she cries about her situation. So to sum up, I have to be a good platonic friend to a person whom I have traditionally hated and who now has a body I want to jump but can’t ever touch. Thank you, universe. You know just how to make me happy.

In which a member of our party transforms into a total babe. Again.

Well, I’m no longer a tiger. I had one more night with the wench (named Hazel, if you’re interested), and she started to make plans about the two of us running off to the City-State or some nonsense. Well, we had plans to go see the priestess the next day, so that pretty much settled it for me.

We had to sit through some long, boring sermon about the White Lady before the priestess would cure us. We nodded along and smiled, and by lunchtime, the damage from the wights was gone, Ev was no longer a walking leper, and I had my beautiful face back. We were also out one precious idol, which paid for all that benevolence. On the whole, our take was pretty weak. Split five ways, I was beginning to doubt our ability to do serious renovations.

We took a day off to rest and regroup, and on the next day we arrived bright and early at the manor. Then we went straight for the front door this time. The foyer was nice, but apart from some more animated portraits, there was not too much of interest. We headed east, right into the…torture chamber. Classy. Sorel started making some suggestive jokes, and I swear both of the amazons were flirting with him. Qual and I rolled our eyes, but then suddenly, some chains in the center of the room animated and grabbed the girls (yeah, I think of Ev as a girl now) and tried to drag them into a pit. Qual cut through them with an axe, and I used my tools to break through some of the other links. That seemed to quiet the chains, but we were in a hurry to get out of there.

We were in another twisty part of the manor, where rooms and corridors seemed to appear with no logical sense. We found a bedroom with all the accoutrements of a knight, including the suit of armor. Turns out there was a skeleton inside who loved to shout insults at us, but because the armor was rusted in place, he could not move. Here is a sample of his craft:

Qual: “You half-sized hairy melon!”

Aleandra: “You beaver-eating poison-spewing harridan!”

Evrian: “You drag queen!” (how did he know?)

Sorel: “You perverted powdered unman!”

Yeah, it said stuff about me, but since I’m writing this journal, you don’t get to hear anything about it.

The next room was set up with a tea service. There was a black pudding slopping around in there, too. Puddings are easy to kill if you take your time and keep your distance, and, Qual excepted, we were a pretty fast-moving party. We took it out without getting a scratch on us.

We found a harem, which sounds better than it was. It was decorated all eastern-style, which I approve of. There were about a dozen girls there, all phantoms, but all were pretty hot. They made us feel comfortable, and I would not have minded staying. Indeed, Sorel agreed with me on this and I could tell that the girls were getting into it too. But Qual threw water on our little party and made us get out of there fast. Turns out there was a magical sleep effect starting up, and we nearly passed out before we could get through the door.

Once again, we found a wing of the house we could not get to, so we knew a secret door was somewhere. This time, we found it without too much trouble. The room on the other side was lavish, with wall carvings and murals to make us feel like we were in a forest glade. Incense and bells made us feel at peace. There was a magic carpet floating on the far side of the room. I decided to give it a ride, but somehow the controls were jammed, and it started spinning uncontrollably when I tried to sit on it. Ow. There was also an altar that had two voluptuous angels engaged in carnal acts on it. Sorel found that particularly interesting. We could see him studying them carefully, but trying to look like he was only casually looking at them. Later, we found out that they had magical writing on them that promised immortality. Sorel found an inscription that asked “Do you want to live forever?” so he puts his hand on one of the sculpted boobs and shuts “YES!”

Well, guess what? Did you think anything in this manor was going to be straightforward? Sorel starts to transform. Really, I have no idea what he was thinking, not just touching a statue but falling for so obvious a ploy. His clothes disintegrate, and for a moment we get to see the wizard in all his spindly glory. Then his hips flare, his chest swells, and his pecker withdraws into his torso. The hair on his body falls off, and his skin becomes perfectly smooth and radiant. His limbs become lithe and toned, and his face reshapes into an image of feminine beauty. Sorel’s hair erupts like a waterfall down his back, turning bright gold. In the end, he looks exactly like one of the angels, boobs, wings, and all. Stark naked, of course. Sorel is also immortal, just like the statue offered, so I’m just about thinking that Sorel got a sweet deal when Qual says something like “Oh, fuck me.” Right there, in front of all of us, Sorel starts to fuck Qual. The dwarf was freaked (he’s not gay, he’s just a dwarf) but Sorel was horrified. Turns out that he (now she) can live forever, but only as an avatar of the lust goddess to whom this temple was dedicated, Tama Hama or something. For the rest of her eternal life, Sorel will have to do whatever kinky suggestion is made of her. Except for me apparently. Turns out I’m the one person whose commands Sorel can ignore. Just my luck. It’s like the universe doesn’t want me to have fun.

So, I have to wonder, what’s the deal with the gender-swapping traps in this place? The Rump family must have had some serious kinks, if you ask me. And now this winged-bimbo maker belongs to me. I have to admit, more than a few devious plans floated across my mind. How hard would it be to convince gullible guests to touch the statue. In a few days, I could have a huge harem of busty angels, catering to my every whim. Could I be that evil? Well, I suppose we won’t know until I try, will we?

In which we do a little old school adventuring.

So we don’t sleep too well in the outbuilding. Turns out that the strange noises that we heard in the manor are present in the playhouse, too. It’s not like we were under any serious threat, but a bad night’s sleep is a bad night’s sleep. I suppose we’ll get used to it. From my point of view, the sooner we end the haunts in the manor, the sooner we’ll all sleep easier. At least my companions seem dedicated to the cause. Ev is laboring under the assumption that when we clear the manor of evil spirits, she’ll turn back from and innie to an outie. I’m not holding my breath, and if you want my honest opinion, I’d wager half my estate that Ev doesn’t really want to change back, either.

Today we decided that we were going to check out one of the towers. So we go back in through the service entry to that long western gallery with all of the pictures. We decide to jot down the names under the portraits, hoping we can learn a little bit about them. If the pictures come to life, maybe some of them will have useful information. Otherwise, I’m good to burn them. The others said I was “horrible” for making such a suggestion. As if art has rights.

Well, we stumble upon a wing that seems to contain the high-status bedrooms. One of the past lords was clearly a hunter. I could tell that by the ghostly hunt, complete with horses, hounds, and drunken nobles, that rode through the room while we stood there watching. Sorel tried to communicate with them, but it was as if we were not there. Just as well, if you ask me. There was a corpse holding a hunting horn on the bed, but anything of value there was long rotted away.

We had to deal with a strange monster in the next room—an animated anthropomorphic fungus. It drained the heat out of us when we got too close to it, so we had to pepper it with arrows. Aleandra’s poleaxe came in handy too. Turns out the fungus was guarding another noble bedroom, this one with more interesting stuff. A shield was not magical but clearly valuable. There was a suit of full plate, loaded with a spring trap in the visor, designed to take my hand off. I’m too fast to fall for such amateurish garbage, though.

We find that there is no clear access to the tower, so we figure there has to be a secret door. Just to be sure, we search all possible ways in. We come across a mead hall that was filled with webs. Naturally, we suspect spiders. And there sure were a lot of them. Sorel goes nuts with a flaming sphere, which ignites a lot of the webs. Qual, Ev, and Aleandra jump joyfully into the slaughter, and I choose to hang back and twink the vermin with my little bow, which was more than enough firepower for the job. Then a half-dozen zombies lumber onto the scene, which would normally not be much of a challenge, but were pretty much had our hands full with the spiders already. So they got in closer to use than we would like, and the amazon babes got nicked up pretty badly in the fight. Did I mention they looked sexy even when covered in blood? Don’t look at me like that. I bet you have your kinks, too.

Well, still no entry to the tower, so we begin the tedious search for secret doors. We finally find what we were looking for (around lunchtime, I might add) in a closet off of fungus-dude’s bedroom. We find stairs up, but there was still a big blank space on our map where the ground floor of the tower was supposed to be, so we figured we missed yet another secret door. Again, it’s something I will probably value when I move into the place, but it’s annoying as hell now.

We did find stairs up though, which led to a guard room of some kind. In it, there was a small army of skeletons, led by three wights. The manor had been a cakewalk up to this point. The skeletons were easily dealt with, since Qual and Aleandra always kept blunt weapons in reserve, and I did my part once I could get my hands on a club. Ev was an expert at fighting the undead, so with help from Sorel he tried to take out the wights. They were tough, though, and Ev, Qual, and I each took hits from them that left us feeling like a bit of our souls had been ripped away. When we finally won our way through (the remaining skeletons collapsed when we took out the three wights), we were pretty messed up. We decided to press on, over the objections of me and Ev.

There was a trap door up to the next level. It was trapped, and I had to take my time disarming it. Above was some kind of magical lab. There were a bunch of little artificial men running around. Turns out that one of them had discovered the secret of duplicating himself and went nuts. I checked out the book he used to see if I could duplicate Aleandra again. Turns out all I did was create another little artificial man. Naked, no less. While that might be someone’s idea of kink, it leaves me a little cold. Anyhow, a good kick was all it took to take out these little dudes. We felt good about an easy fight after the wights. Some might say that stomping on little self-aware humans is sick. Those people who would say that have never had the opportunity to try. It’s fun. Really.

The next level up was some kind of menagerie, with magical cages folding a beaver, a giant frog and monkeys. I do love watching monkeys. Aleandra says it’s because I admire their sophistication. I think it’s because I laugh when they throw poo. They totally freaked out because of my tiger face, and I thought that was kind of funny too. There was some kind of magical portal in this room, but we held off on going through, as there was still a level above us.

Well, the trapdoor to that level was blocked by a corpse, so we needed the strength of Qual to push it off and clear the way for us to ascend. The top level was something of a charnel house, with dead bodies everywhere. There was a big pile of treasure at the far end of the room, and chained to it was the most pathetic human I have ever seen. I don’t think I’ve ever seen more diseases crowded onto one person. Ev tried to talk to him (she’s been downright maternal ever since she lost her elven winkie), but he just lashed out at her. Little bits of filth clung to her skin (a problem with the old chainmail bikini, but I swallowed my objections) and we all knew that she was carrying some filthy disease. Well, we knew that after this, we would have to head back to town again, even if it meant getting there after dark.

Well, the treasure was primo. Lots of coin and some gold rings, plus a carved ivory statue that was worth a fortune.

In which no-one gets transformed, but the house pretty much tries to kill us

Well, I decided to keep the tiger look, for a while at least. Turns out that the sweet little old priestess in town wanted a small fortune to de-tigerify me. So much for the kindness and charity spiel she preaches. And it also turns out that the serving wench—remember the cute one we were going to use as a ghost-holder?—well, it turns out that she has a thing for big cats. So, my main objection to the mask was that people would run in fear from me. If they do the opposite, well, I’m flexible (but not as flexible as SHE is!)

So the next day we make a third assault on my new home. Looking at the map, we saw that there should have been a second floor above the west wing. We realized that we found no stairs up, so there must have been a secret passage that we missed, or else the Tegels teleported up there, which wouldn’t surprise me.

We had decent enough luck going room to room, and we didn’t see any reason to go charging around like we did on the first day. So we enter through the back door once again, but this time we turn right rather than left. Then we start checking out rooms. I suppose I should point out that we passed though a lot of empty rooms before we get to the encounters I described. Exploring is hard work, and it can be tedious. I don’t want to give the impression that it’s all fun and games.

SO the first room we check out looks like it was the bedchamber for a knight, with a suit of armor and a locked chest which I check out. We found a nice sword, probably magical, but since none of us use a longsword, we put it in the “to sell” pile. Then Qual went to check out some drapery leading to an alcove, and wouldn’t you know it, the drapery comes to life and tries to suffocate him. I swear that that dwarf’s curiosity is going to get us all killed big time. Well, of course we cut him out. It’s a good thing that dwarves can hold their breaths, or he would have suffocated in there.

Well the next room had clothing that tried to do the same thing. I began to suspect a pattern, and resolved to carry a pair of shears in my pack from then on.

The next room was a little different—everything was tinted red, and a bunch of ghostly dancers with swords whirled around, scaring the bejeezus out of two cavemen. So what do the cavemen do when they see us ride to their rescue? They attack us. Natch. So we have to put a beat-down on them while the dancers (who turn out to be harmless) continue to do their thing. They were guarding a room that had vats of blood. Just to be sure they weren’t for feeding vampires, we smashed them all. I try not to think about cleaning bills when we do this sort of thing.

Next we come across a simple bedroom that was home to a snake-headed man, who did not take our intrusion kindly. My efforts to talk with him were met by him trying swallow my beautiful furry tiger-head. I swear, I spend more time inside of monsters. On the plus side, once he was trying to swallow me, snakey-boy was pretty vulnerable to the axes and arrows of my buddies, who chopped him up good. Maybe I’ll take to wearing a spiked helmet.

The door to the next room was locked and rigged with a lightning trap that would have been better dealt with by a mage rather than me. Try telling Sorel this, though. He just laughed and laughed when I got zapped. Prick. Anyhow, there was a big magic cauldron in the next room. I know it was magic because it kept shooting lightning bolts at us. Qual got fried twice before we smashed it. I’m sure it did something really cool, but I have a thing against owning items that try to cook me.

We moved into a part of the manor that felt like a maze. No straight corridors with lots of doors to work with, just room to room to room. We came across a bunch of ghouls in one chamber. We put them down easily, but it was kind of funny when Ev forgot that she was no longer immune to ghoul touch. I suggested we do something rude to her while she was paralyzed, but Aleandra made to kick me in the nuts again so I decided to retract my suggestion.

We wandered in this area for some time, trying to make sense of the floorplan. We came across a nest of slugs that spit their venom at us. Only it was dye, not venom, and we were stained purple for the better part of two days. I added salt to the list of things I needed to bring back to the manor on our next resupply.

The next room appeared to be filled with flames, but they did not give off heat (cool—I want to keep the effect when I move in) and it was also home to what I can only describe as a Jell-o golem. It proved really tough to kill. Qual was in bad shape already, so we decided to call it a day and return to our camp.

We finally broke our campsite in!

I miss my wench. I wish I could remember her name.